What I Want You to Know about Attachment

I've been dreading writing this post, mostly because I fear adverse reactions, but now that we know we'll be traveling soon, it's time to talk about some hard stuff. This post is meant for family and friends, but I welcome any comments or anecdotes from experienced adoptive parents in the comments section. Also, just so everyone is aware, this information has already been discussed with close family members so hopefully it is not all new information for everyone.

Attachment refers to the indisputable bond between a parent and a child. When a child is born, everyone marvels at how the baby turns his head upon hearing his mother's voice. Even less than one day old, a child knows who his mother is. When a child is separated from his mother, as in being placed for adoption, that child suffers a loss. He no longer knows who his mother is. 

Thankfully, in Korea, babies are placed in foster families where they are able to form a new attachment to a consistent and loving caregiver. Through pictures and updates, it is evident that Alex is very much attached to his foster mother - and that is a good thing. Since we know he has the ability to attach to a consistent and loving caregiver, we know that he will most likely be able to attach to us, eventually. 

Next month, Alex will be 15 months old. In that time, upon entering our family, he will have suffered the loss of his birth-mother, foster brother, and foster family. He will suffer the loss of his birth-country, language, food, smells, and everything familiar to him. He will be placed in the arms of two odd-looking strangers, board a plane full of odd people, and enter a new home with weird smells, weird animals (cats), and unfamiliar surroundings. Despite the fact that he is only 15 months old, it will take time for him to trust us, to bond with us, to attach to us. And he will grieve his losses. 

This is where parenting through adoption differs greatly from parenting through birth. When a child is born through birth, as previously discussed, he knows who his mother is. He can be held and played with by others, yet still turns his head upon hearing his mother's voice. Upon entering our family, Alex will not have that biological connection to us. He will not know who his parents are, and it's our job to develop that connection and attachment over time. How do we do that? By being loving, consistent care givers and by being his only care givers for a certain amount of time. 

This is where the discussion gets tough, because the last thing we want to do is push well-meaning, excited family and friends away during this most exciting time for us, but if you think about this logically, it makes sense. If Alex is held, fed, and cared for by multiple, inconsistent care givers shortly after being placed in our family, how will he discern who his new parents are? Plain and simple, he won't. How long will it take Alex to attach to us? We don't know, because every child is different. 

The best thing we can do at this point is to help family and friends understand that we will need some space once Alex arrives. We will need time to bond as a family, and we will need people to understand that there are good reasons for keeping him all to ourselves for awhile. In the end, the more quickly he becomes comfortable with us, the more quickly we can start gradually introducing him to new people and places. And we need you to trust that our understanding about attachment comes from pre-adoption classes through our agency, articles, books, research, and personal accounts from other adoptive families. 

Please don't hesitate to contact me with questions about attachment, but please, please don't pressure us to go against our gut by exposing Alex to new people and places too quickly. I have heard from many adoptive families who gave into the pressure and suffered the consequences of strained and ongoing attachment issues. And believe me, we cannot WAIT to begin settling into a new 'normal' as a family. We really don't WANT to be cooped up in our house with a grieving child for months and months. Come on, people, we want to show him off!!! So, help us be able to show him off sooner by giving us space to bond and attach for awhile after coming home. Deal?

All that being said, we'd like to throw out an open invitation to meet us at the airport upon arrival (exact date/time TBD). He will be in a carrier, probably overwhelmed and overstimulated from a long flight, so we ask that no one asks to hold him. However, since the airport is such a crazy, bustling place anyway, we would love for you to be there to meet him, catch a glimpse, maybe a smile (or a good cry), and welcome him to his new home. We will also post pictures and updates on my blog so don't forget to check in, become a "follower," or sign up for updates via email! 

Thanks in advance for your support and understanding!