The Emotions of Waiting

As many parents-to-be do, I've made it my mission to learn as much as possible about what is about to happen. I've read books, magazine articles, and blogs. I've talked with a variety of people who have adopted, been adopted, would like to adopt someday, are knowledgeable about adoption, or want to learn more. I've spent afternoons watching adoption videos on youtube (I must admit), and I've searched for songs with lyrics that might match our feelings and/or experiences (and could possibly be used to make our own adoption video someday). 

What I have learned is this: Alex is an individual, as are we. No book, article, or blog I read is going to tell me about my experience as an adoptive parent or my son's experience as an adoptee. No one I talk to can tell me how long it will take Alex to attach to me and Ryan. No video I watch or song I listen to can tell me how I'm going to feel the moment I first see my son. And why? Because these moments simply haven't happened yet, though I long for them with all of my heart.

Over the last few weeks, I've spanned the gamut of emotions. In a sense, we've only been waiting to travel to Korea since we completed our "acceptance" paperwork about 3 weeks ago. Not bad. In a much larger sense, however, we've been waiting to travel since we first made that fateful decision to adopt about 10 months ago, in January. 

At this point in the process, a typical "Day in the Life of Jen" might go something like this: I feel so elated and excited! In the grand scheme of things, the wait isn't really that long! But then, I read an update about the Korea program that leads me to believe our wait to travel might be longer than anticipated, and all of a sudden I feel angry. It's not fair! When I'm done feeling angry, I am left feeling sad. Will Alex ever get to join our family? We are missing so much! And who knows what emotion will come next, because it is only 5pm. 

The part about the wait taking longer than anticipated is true. From what I read today, it might. The thing with adoption, however, is that nothing is ever predictable. I mean, if things were going "as predicted" in the beginning, we would still be waiting for a referral. We wouldn't have a face to go with Alex's name (insert new emotion here: gratefulness). So who knows? Nothing is ever certain. And magazine articles can't tell me my family's future. I think I need to take a break from searching and just let life happen the way it is going to happen, whether I like it or not.